Layers of a Journey

As many of you know, my only child has recently moved

away from home (to finish her degree in Las Vegas Nevada)

So too I'm sure many of you also know and understand this whole 'empty nest' transition and how

difficult it can be.

While I'm very happy for my daughter, I'm simply bereft of her being with me each and every day. I find it another of life's paradoxes that while I was totally, each and every day, 'in the moment' with her and relishing our time together I was completely unprepared for her absence.  Thus far I've ridden the roller coaster of ups and downs and while I didn't go lay on her bed and bawl the moment she left, I've found weird things will set me off.  Though in all fairness; this could just be menopause. 

The other day when I was quilting the baby quilt (in the previous post) thoughts would randomly come to mind and some seemed to me very important at the time so I instantly stopped sewing, walked to the design wall, tossed up a large(ish) piece of duck cloth (24" x 36") and started writing. 

In my minds eye I saw the whole of my heart, then like in the movies I attempted to superimpose the image of the cracked shell just before it shatters completely.  I tried to draw that.  The song running thru my mind was Peter Gabriel's 'Mercy Street'.  I quickly did some calligraphy not wanting to get caught up in the 'fancy' of it but just to get the words down and emphasize the ones that pinged me. 
The hand will be covered in fabric of some sort. Not sure yet. 

So this that you see is either

a. the first layer of something, or;

b. the prototype of of a larger piece 

Since I don't know which; I'm working on it 'as the mood strikes' .  I'm not sitting down and telling myself

'you must feel all this now & get it down'

because that doesn't really work for me.  So I'm leaving it up and as thoughts come to mind I will embellish.

 

Thus far there is even more work  on it that involves musical symbols.  The Coda; for example.  The Coda marks the end of a piece of music or movement.  Then there are the symbols for loud, soft & gradations in between. 

It seems to fit to me.  I may keep the musical analogy or not. 

Another thing that keeps coming to my brain is when I was in Jr. High, I remember there was a book that had just been published called 'Passages' by Gail Sheehy.  

 I never read it of course ( I was only 12) but I find it amusing that I can remember that book, the cover and the authors name but I'll be damned if I can tell you what I had for lunch yesterday. 

Another thing that is floating in and out of my consciousness is the very real understanding that this moment, the one I'm in right now and the person I am right now is really the only one that counts.

Maybe that's harsh; but I'm thinking that who I was a year ago, five years ago and certainly 20 or 30 years ago is not the person I am today.  I don't mourn her; she's rattling around in here somewhere; but with the departure of my *pretty much single reason for existing the last 20 years* daughter I now have to focus on me. 

I would like to say sadly that I started by looking the in the mirror.  I looked at my face, my body, into my own eyes and I'm still stunned because it's NOT the same person I see of myself when I'm not looking into a mirror (or my reflection on a window or store front). 

Our minds are really weird.

I'll post more if it starts getting more interesting.  Meantime,

I'm curious about the journey.

Cheers!